NYC Must Knows (Disclaimer: Sarcasm Ahead)

Having lived in Manhattan for 10 months, I've realized that there are certain locales I need to be aware of.

Certain places I should know like the back of my hand.

The grocery store.
The dry cleaner.
The closest bar.
And the nearest pizza place.

Apparently, though, I forgot about the most important one of all: Bloomingdales.

But thanks to a charming young lady, I was fortunate to learn this tonight.

I'd been trading texts with the girl - let's call her Nicole - for a few days and decided to give her a call to get to know her a little bit better.

And indeed I did.

I'd love to say I'm making this up.
I'd love to say I'm exaggerating.
I'd love to say this was a terrible misunderstanding.

But I can't.

So without further ado, I invite you to relive our conversation.

We begin about five minutes into it, when she tells me she works at Bloomingdales and mentions the department store.

JOSH: Where is Bloomingdales?

NICOLE: You're kidding, right?

JOSH: No.

NICOLE: You don't know where Bloomingdales is?

JOSH: No, why would I?

NICOLE: Do you know where the Empire State Building is?

JOSH: In the east 30s, why?

NICOLE: Because Bloomingdales is like, a landmark.

JOSH: Well I'm sorry, but I don't know where it is.

NICOLE: It's been around since the 1800s. It's mentioned in TV and movies all the time.

JOSH: Well I don't know where it is.

NICOLE: 59th and Lex! Take me to 59th and Lex! You always hear that.

JOSH: Well it's pretty clear you and I don't watch the same kinds of movies.

NICOLE: I'm not trying to be mean. I just never met anybody who didn't know where Bloomingdales is. How long have you lived here?

JOSH: About 10 months.

NICOLE: Didn't you grow up around here?

JOSH: In Jersey, but I didn't spend a ton of time in the city, and I've lived in Los Angeles the past nine years.

NICOLE: Oh, well if you didn't spend a lot of time in the city growing up, I guess I understand.

JOSH: Do you know where Grauman's Chinese Theatre is in LA? (Pausing) It's like, a landmark.

NICOLE (defensive): No, but I've only been to LA once! I didn't live there for 10 months.

JOSH: Well no offense, but I have no reason to know where Bloomingdales is. I don't shop there.

NICOLE: You don't have to shop there to know where it is.


By now, I think you get the point.

Plus, I don't have that much to add. Let's just say the conversation didn't last much longer.

But while I remain dumbfounded by the depth of her disbelief, and I cannot imagine ever wanting to go out with her on a date, let alone talk with her again, I do owe Nicole a debt of my gratitude.

For if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't know where to buy those Tory Burch sandals I've been salivating over.

The Power of Smiley Faces

Ever write a wiseass IM or e-mail in good nature to a co-worker or friend and get that awkward waiting period for the response?

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

If it's an IM, you stare at the little typing/pencil icon in the IM window to see if the other person is responding. Of course, they stop typing like 10 times and you wonder how they're taking what you wrote.

If it's an email, you usually hit refresh or Send/Receive mail 100 times.

Either way, there is a simple reason why this happens, and it's all tied to the two keys that are missing: The colon and the closing parenthesis.

I'm telling you, adding a smiley face to an IM or email gives you the ability to be 100 times more obnoxious. It's a thing of beauty.

Consider the following exchange:

Bill: Hey Lisa.
Lisa: Hey Bill! Thanks again for dinner last night. I had fun.
Bill: Me too. Of course, it would have been more fun if we got drunk and slept together.
Lisa: Excuse me?

Now consider the same exchange with the Smiley:

Bill: Hey Lisa.
Lisa: Hey Bill! Thanks again for dinner last night. I had fun.
Bill: Me too. Of course, it would have been more fun if we got drunk and slept together. :)
Lisa: Haha. Very funny.
Bill: What, you think I'm kidding? :)
Lisa: :)

Or consider the following work e-mail exchange:

The Boss: Hey Ron, I just wanted to let you know that corporate is coming in tomorrow and expecting an update on the Q2 Forecast. Can you have that ready by 10 a.m.?

Ron: Sure I can, so long as corporate has an update on why I'm not getting a bonus.

Now, with the Smiley:


The Boss: Hey Ron, I just wanted to let you know that corporate is coming in tomorrow and expecting an update on the Q2 Forecast. Can you have that ready by 10 a.m.?

Ron: Sure I can, so long as corporate has an update on why I'm not getting a bonus. :)

The Boss: Would a company pen be acceptable instead? :)

Ron: Only if you let me shove it up corporate's ass. :)

The Boss: Need an extra hand? :)


Morale of the story, you ask?

Next time you feel like pushing the proverbial envelope in an IM or email, try adding a smiley face. You'll be amazed at what you can say and pull off.

And if you don't want to, then go fuck yourself!

Sorry, let's try that again ...

And if you don't want to, then go fuck yourself! :)

Best Job Ever

I think in my next life I'm going to be a backup dancer in a rap video.

And no, I don't mean a hoochie groupie who grinds her booty. (Try saying that five times fast)

I actually mean one of those bouncer looking dudes who stands next to the rapper.

I believe the job requirements go something like this:

1) Outweigh tour bus
2) Own wardrobe consisting entirely of track suits never actually used for track
3) Eat more McDonalds than the Super Size Me guy
4) Versatile enough to say one word per song verse
5) Capable of nodding head without cracking a smile

Why groom your kid to be the next Tiger Woods or Rhodes Scholar when you can just feed him fast food, keep him out of gym class and teach him how to say yes without talking ...

Facial Hair

After holding onto it for a whole nine days, I finally shaved my beard, er, scruff last night.

But I've gotta say, aside from the fact that most women won't go near you with too much of the fuzzy face, having a beard is pretty empowering.

1) You immediately look more scholarly. Try making a pointless suggestion at work while clean shaven. Then try it with a beard. It's like that old EF Hutton commercial. People listen. Hell, they might even nod.

2) You look tougher. Walking the streets of New York with a beard, I feel like Moses - it's like I'm parting the Red Sea of people on the streets. And if someone bumps into you, he apologizes. And nobody is going to mess with a bearded guy at a bar. You just feel more confident. A beard is the equivalent of a six pack of beer.

Of course, for me, a beard also is a way to constantly remind myself that I can finally grow facial hair.